As long as I can remember, I have never been satisfied with the way my body looks. I’d dream over and over again about having that perfect dream body, even when I was 12. Growing up I was always on the bony/skinnier side wearing a double zero in jeans, I could never find my size anywhere and felt as if I wasn’t a “normal” size. I’d always get comments about “you’re way too skinny” “do you ever eat?” “I can fit my whole hand around your wrist” but I never even felt “skinny” I still felt as if I was “overweight” which of course I wasn’t but why did I feel that way? It sounds crazy now, 56 pounds heavier. I would always stand in the mirror for hours on end picking out every single flaw that I had “your legs are too short” “the way you look in that shirt makes you look pudgy” “why do I have so many freckles on my face and why do I look like this” and so so much more. But I was 56 pound lighter… how did I EVER think feeling like that was normal? I’m kind of jealous of that girl back then because now I am living what I thought I was, overweight. I wish I could preach about self-love but I’d be lying if I said I felt that way which I do for other people but not for myself. I look back now at the times where I thought I was gaining even an ounce and told my self I needed to start running or not eating because I could not stand to see myself get any bigger than my 98 pounds… years go by and pounds keep on going up and up, life happens- adulthood happens. So many great things have happened in my life, marrying a man who sees me and loves me for who I am and doesn’t even pay no mind to all the weight I have gained. I felt fine for a moment. Two months after getting married I got pregnant with our beautiful baby boy which we were trying for and super excited for but my expectations for a amazing, beautiful pregnancy was short lived. Hyperemesis Gravidarum happened (Symptoms include severe nausea and feeling faint or dizzy when standing. It can also cause persistent vomiting, which can lead to dehydration.)(A severe type of nausea and vomiting during pregnancy.). I had to go to the hospital multiple times for dehydration due to the fact that I couldn’t even keep down water, every meal I would eat would come right back up in a matter of seconds for 9 months every day. The food aversions were horrible. All I did was lay in bed all day and have anxiety about losing my baby because of not being able to nourish him the correct way, wondering how in the world I’m supposed to keep him alive if I couldn’t even eat a crumb without it coming back up or even drink water or take prenatals which is the most important step in your pregnancy. Instead of gaining weight I lost 38 pounds in my pregnancy, by the time I was ready to give birth I was the same exact weight as before I was pregnant. Postpartum I was 30 pounds LIGHTER than I was pre-pregnancy but the HG still wasn’t away which is why I lost so much weight after, it lasted a couple weeks after giving birth. Besides the fact, I felt so good about myself and how I looked- I was the lightest I have been in years. My jeans actually fit me with a lot of room to spare which hasn’t happened in a good while- I got countless compliments of how I “bounced back” after having a baby but I would always think to myself “bounced back? What are they talking about? I was so much heavier before?” I’m not saying all this for you to think I’m bragging, I’m talking about this because it leads to something not so great. Although I loved the way I looked, I also loved finally being able to eat a full meal and just food in general even drinking whatever I wanted to and it staying down. My body was hungry. I’d eat and I’d eat and I’d eat all day. It felt way too good until one day I stepped on the scale and realized that I was back to the weight I was pre-pregnancy and 9 MONTHS PREGNANT… Am I REALLY that big. I had a full grown baby inside of me at this weight. I have to lose weight, I cannot stand to look in the mirror anymore. I go to the store and pile up my grocery cart with fruits and vegetables only to put them in the fridge and not want to eat them because it’s easier grabbing a snack cake rather than putting together a well balanced healthy meal. I snack all day on junk and wonder why I can’t lose any weight. I try starting a routine to work out but I do it one day and figure I do not have time for it in the midst of taking care of my child, cleaning and cooking so I stop. Instead, I put myself down constantly through out the day and tell myself how worthless I am and binge eat. I’m tired of depression- it’s literally hell. Anyways- I wish I could turn this into something positive (other than my sweet boy) but this is actually where I’m at in life. No self love motivational story here. If there is one thing I do have to say and even learn and that is to just learn to love yourself, there will never be a “perfect” body or size, you’ll pick out any flaw you have whether your 0-10283729 pounds so might as well try and live a little, maybe even just be happy. I just want to hug my 15 year old self and ask her what in the world she was thinking about when she called herself “fat” constantly.. 🤍 I wish I could tell my body that there was never a problem with it, there is nothing wrong with my size and that I’m good enough already. I hope to fix that. If anyone feels this way- you are not alone.
How we should live: 🌫
•don’t value your body over your being
•love your body because you only have one
•a scale can never measure your worth
Brittany Morris Blog 